connection lost or found?

opportunities and limitations of online friendships

This piece was written in August 2022 for How to be a Woman on the Internet, a Substack I had created with a friend on internet culture (more of why we ended that newsletter here). I share it here again now as I’ve been thinking a lot about friendships — ones formed pre-social media, ones that began because of social media, and the ones I’ve lost *to* social media — and I’ll be referencing it in a piece I hope to share very soon. A piece, I think, that may contradict some of what I’ve shared just two years ago but can serve as a sequel of sorts, an update or maybe just an ongoing conversation to how I navigate friendships both online and off.

As a disclaimer, the below is not my favorite piece I’ve written… It’s one of my first and it definitely reads that way. But if this topic interests you, some of it may resonate. For me, it’s interesting to see what still holds up and which parts I now disagree with. You’ll see where I currently land on this topic soon — just make sure to subscribe so you won’t miss it.

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As someone who has lived and worked in the world of social media for the past 10 years, I often find myself thinking, what is this all for? Thinking back to the early days of social media, it was so clear. I used to rush through homework to dial onto AIM and chat with my middle school friends. Years later, I’d go on MySpace and message cousins I didn’t see often, exchanging stories about boys and school and everything that was happening in our seemingly drama-filled worlds. When college rolled around, I found my roommate through Facebook and when I studied abroad, it helped me keep in touch with everyone back home. When I was healing from a severe neck injury from an almost-fatal car crash, I connected with a stranger through Tumblr who had the same exact neck fracture and we helped each other feel less alone, updating one another on our doctor’s visits and progress. And then, when Instagram came onto the scene, I not only kept up with my current circle but expanded it. I was able to ask people I knew only through the app to meet in person for coffee or lunch and now, some of them are my closest friends who have been with me through big milestones – attending my wedding and even becoming neighbors. Lately, though, Instagram and social media in general feels more like a vehicle to sell and be sold, rather than a tool to form meaningful connections.

Facebook says they exist to “give people the power to build community and bring the world closer together.” It sounds nice, but is that really what they do? What any major social media platform does today? Many studies suggest the exact opposite – that the more people use social media, the more lonely they feel. Millennials in the US were also found to spend more time on their digital devices and less time socializing in-person with their friends. 

On the other hand, there are also studies that point toward social media being beneficial to building relationships. According to Forbes, “Instagram may actually enhance the quality of relationships among users, with a greater effect seen in those who are shy or reserved.” Many also felt that the app helped them express themselves more honestly online, which has led to new and meaningful offline relationships. It’s also important to note that there has always been concern over the impact of new technology on our social behaviors. There’s been hesitancy around everything – from letter writing to telephone calls to TV. So when you take that into consideration, you have to wonder – is this any different? When it comes to social media, is connection lost? Or found? 

In the book How to be Online and also be Happy, author Issey Beech wonders, “Sure, we’re connecting at lightning speed, but is it really making us closer? Or is it zapping some of the beauty from the offline world?” As someone who has made lots of friends from social media, this question made me stop and think. Does it really have to be one or the other? Maybe it’s possible that we can become closer with those we interact with online and because of that, our offline worlds could become even more beautiful. 

“Maybe it’s possible that we can become closer with those we interact with online and because of that, our offline worlds could become even more beautiful.” 

I happen to fall into the (potentially too optimistic) camp that social media can create meaningful connections and I think that’s because I’ve done it myself. I’ve seen firsthand how a simple DM or comment can grow into a real friendship. And how some of these online friendships have become more intimate, genuine and honest than the ones I’ve had for years that were formed offline. Until my early twenties, I often moved from one friend group to the next, each time wondering why it was hard for me to stay close with people for longer than a few years. But I began to realize that most of my friendships growing up were based on proximity, and less about shared values or common interests. Pre-social media, I made friends based on the classes I had, the dorm suite I ended up in, and the parties I would go to. They didn’t go much deeper than that, and I was able to see that more clearly after making more meaningful relationships online.  

As I used Instagram more regularly, I began meeting with people I had common interests with, whether it was through similar careers in the creative field, a love of reading, or a desire to give back to the community. Some friendships that originated because of a simple click of the follow button resulted in beautiful real life experiences that I’ll always cherish – getaways to Mexico, book exchanges and book drives that support incredible causes, intimate conversations by the ocean, communal-style Kamayans that celebrated Filipino traditions. My online friendships not only extended into real life, but also beyond the city I live in. Because of Instagram, I have friends I spend time with not only in Los Angeles, but also when I’m in London, Paris, and New York – all people I never would have met otherwise. 

I’m not only speaking from personal experience, either – people I know have met their platonic soulmates through social media. I have three friends who moved from Arizona, Virginia, and Utah to Los Angeles (to the same apartment building!) who originally met through Tumblr in 2012 because of a shared love of Harry Styles. My 21-year-old-cousin and her best friend met on Twitter after learning they frequented the same concerts. Just a few months ago, I had dinner with someone in London who I met through a friend who knew her from Twitter. This isn’t uncommon – Douglas Greenwood, writer on youth culture, notes, “any small town kid whose adolescence was shaped by the mates we met on Tumblr will understand how valuable something like social media can be when it comes to finding people we get along with… It’s easy to argue that we should be out in public, meeting friends in more ‘traditional’ ways, but for those who are cut off from others like them, the choice just isn’t there.”

If I ended things here, it might seem like meaningful connections can be made at the drop of a follow, but I can tell you from experience, it’s not that easy. Mutually following each other, liking, commenting, and sending the occasional heart eyes over DM doesn’t constitute a friendship. It takes a lot to turn that internet acquaintance into something more and the first step is taking it offline – which all of the examples above did. Face-to-face interaction is necessary for relationships – chatting behind a screen doesn’t replace the connection that happens when people laugh, cry, and share intimate moments with one another. But not every friendship taken offline is guaranteed to be a match. In my decade of online-friend-making I’ve had friendships form and quickly dissolve. I’ve had to “date” a lot to find friends who stand the test of time.

There’s a whole other layer when it comes to friendships in the influencer space, too. You’ll see “influencer besties” fall out in a matter of months and it’s sometimes because the intention behind the friendship wasn’t genuine in the first place. It’s almost as if some knowingly enter into a mutually beneficial partnership – a collaboration, if you will – one that serves as a marketing tool to sell to brands as a package, one that photographs well and increases the reach of each other’s personal brands. Self-help author Vex King says it well: “Some relationships and friendships on social media are more about marketing than mutual connection. Clout has become a currency, and some people simply want to fill their pockets.” As sad as it sounds, it’s really no surprise. After all, when people begin to equate success with a number – whether in the form of an income or follower count – it makes sense that some will do what it takes to increase that number, whether it means buying followers or becoming friends with the right people. Films like Ingrid Goes West and Not Okay — both satires that poke fun at social media — illustrate the motive behind forging a friendship with someone who’s got a following. 

I don’t think “transactional” online relationships are limited to influencers, though. Take money and follower count out of it, there’s still something about presenting a relationship online that seems to distort it. Have you ever watched someone post photo after photo in which they seem to be having the most amazing time with their best friend or partner, and then you get chat with them over coffee and it turns out they’re filled with contempt for that friend or having major problems in their relationship? There’s something about social media that motivates people to package up their relationships – however flawed – in a palatable way, and I wonder if it’s taking a real life toll on our own relationships.

While we may find more friend options online, there’s still the matter of quality control – going on first friend dates, feeling them out, and filtering the purely transactional relationships from the meaningful ones – and that takes time and effort. But how much time and effort are we willing to give to this? The possibilities for friendships via social media are limitless, but our capacity for friends is not. Psychologist Robin Dunbar writes, “It seems we really can only handle about 150 friends, including family members” and that the amount of social capital we have is pretty fixed – more connections with more people doesn’t necessarily mean you can have an abundance of meaningful relationships, but that it may mean you’re spreading your energy thin, which may result in less of them.

If seemingly insignificant acts like liking, commenting and messaging with hundreds of online friends results in less time and energy for those closest to me, like Dunbar says, then maybe it’s worth taking the time to reflect on how that’s affecting my current relationships with friends and family, rather than using that energy to send messages to new online friends asking them to meet.

I can think of many ways social media has minimized what could have been beautiful moments with my loved ones: my mom posting to Facebook instead of soaking in the views of the English countryside as we traveled together, a friend editing photos while the rest of the group is engrossed in intimate conversation, me taking photos of the moment instead of living in it next to my husband. It’s something I’ve tried to be cognizant of for the past couple years. I try to make an effort to put my phone away not only when around people but also when I’m alone, too. I’ve seen how I’m less engaged with my friends when I spend too much time on my phone even in my alone time – maybe I’m thinking about the last message I got from a client, or wondering how my sponsored post is performing, or tempted to check what’s trending on Twitter.

Not only is staring into a screen taking away from the moments we spend with our friends, it’s also affecting how we interact with them. Author Issy Beech talks about this: “[Social media] is changing our ability to process emotions. Many studies have shown that lack of face-to-face interaction, replaced instead with an increase in screen time, can lead to poorer social skills and a stunted emotional capacity.” I’ve seen examples of this firsthand – there have been people I spoke to online who I was excited to meet because they seemed charismatic, thoughtful, and interesting from their social media presence. After trying to have conversations with them in person, though, I realized what I expected from them may not be who they are in real life, but instead part of their online persona. I noticed this as early as 2013 when I was working as an influencer manager and ran campaigns for young social media personalities. I remember meeting some of them and wondering – had they spent so much time being social for the camera that they didn’t know how to be social in real life? 

“I remember meeting some of them and wondering – had they spent so much time being social for the camera that they didn’t know how to be social in real life?” 

This disconnect can show up in reverse, too. We’ve all had that friend we love IRL but whose online presence we can’t stand. And I know I’ve been that person for others, especially in the height of all that culminated in 2020. We were locked down in our homes, socializing only through our phones while facing hard conversations surrounding covid-19, the election and racial injustice. I, like many others, turned to social media to let out my emotions and express my views, for better or worse. I began to notice that the more I shared my views and opinions, the more some of my friendships suffered — even ones I had for years. Face-to-face conversations were non-existent and the frustrations built up resulted in impassioned and unproductive conversations via text or direct messages. More than once, it ended in an unfollow. I wasn’t the only one this was happening to — for many, “decades-long relationships have been caving under the pressure” because of discourse surrounding politics and current events happening via social media. I look back sometimes, wondering why it had to come to that and how. Neuroscientist M.J. Crockett explains: “People [felt] compelled to express outrage online because they receive positive feedback for doing so.” She found that while validation in the form of a like or comment may support certain opinions, they can also have the opposite effect and signal to others your difference in opinion or values, affecting relationships offline. Jaron Lanier, author of Ten Arguments for Deleting Your Social Media Accounts Right Now, introduces another factor and says, “Your understanding of others has been disrupted because you don’t know what they’ve experienced in their feeds, while the reverse is also true; the empathy others might offer you is challenged because you can’t know the context in which you’ll be understood.” 

It’s important to remember, we don’t just lack the context of people’s social media feeds – we also usually lack the context of their whole life. People are layered, and in real life it’s easier to see and try to understand those layers, even if you don’t necessarily agree. It’s one of the reasons that offline disagreements are so much more productive than online ones, and why – after much trial and error – I’m trying to engage in conflict on the internet less.

But when the conflict isn’t resolving itself online or off and we still want to salvage a relationship with someone – like a family member – then there is something else you can try: the block button. I can tell you firsthand, it works. Blocking my mom online saved our relationship offline. It allowed us to re-establish our relationship as that of a mother and a daughter – and not just two people on different ends of the political spectrum. I ended our online relationship entirely (deleting Facebook was one of the casualties) and filled it in with real life quality time. We’ve spent it getting to know each other outside of our differing opinions – we go to the park, talk about Bridgerton, and travel together. Now we have a healthier relationship – one that took time, effort and a strong desire to do so. Not all of my relationships have made the same comeback, though. As unfortunate as that is, being vocal about issues I care about has actually made more friends than I lost and these relationships have been really fulfilling. It’s even opened up new conversations in my existing friendships and deepened those bonds. It’s also turned into real-life get togethers – reading books in the park, attending protests, writing letters to our representatives. Academic philosopher Rebecca Roache shares why that is: “[Social media] enables us to tap into support and solidarity that might not otherwise be available, either because people with the right sort of shared experiences would be difficult to find offline, or because the shared experiences in question are so intimate that we're reluctant to discuss them – a reluctance that is eased by interacting online.” 

So many conversations around social media remain either/or. But from my perspective, this is very much both/and territory. Social media is both a tool for connection and, also, a fast-track to disconnection. You can make friends online, and you can lose them. Figuring out how to have more of the former and less of the latter is the hard part. But one thing I can tell you for sure is that the key to any online friendship is taking it offline and giving it the time and energy that every meaningful relationship deserves. Social media doesn’t yet have a “let’s take this offline” button (it doesn’t exactly support their business model) so in the meantime, we need to look for ways to push this button ourselves. And that’s what I’m here to remind you, as I myself sit behind a screen. It’s up to us to do what social media will not do – to get offline and really connect, truly build community, and bring the people in our worlds closer together. Before I log off, I want to share how I’ve done it and how I hope to do it a bit better: