the disregard for the template life
refreshing reminders about life i've learned during my time in the uk and europe
I’ve been in the UK and a couple parts of Europe for the past month now and I have to say, while there are many things I love about being in these places, one of my favorites is how refreshing it is to be around people who lack concern for the traditional path and timeline that Americans seem to strongly abide by. You know the one — finish school, get a job, find a partner, get married, buy a house (and buy lots of things to fill the house), have a kid, and maybe another. And there’s this idea that once we do all of those things, we will unlock true happiness. At least, that’s what it seems like based on the types of questions I find my peers and I are plagued with.
As soon as my brother graduated college, he was bombarded with questions from family about job prospects.
A woman I was conversing with on Threads told me about how when she started her company, someone said to her, but you’re 29, shouldn’t you be focused on finding a husband?
At a recent wedding I attended, my cousin who was in a long-term relationship was asked by family and strangers alike when her turn would be.
A friend who recently got engaged is not only feeling the pressure of planning a wedding, but also the pressure of becoming a homeowner, looking at both venues and potential homes at the same time, to which I remind him that focusing on just one of those is hard enough — that he can and should take his time and to try to enjoy the life season he’s in.
And then there’s me, who for the most part, has followed this conventional life path pretty diligently. I was adamant and successful on graduating “on time”, despite a life-threatening injury I sustained my senior year of college at age 21. At age 22, I got my first job and met and dated a man who would become my future husband. After 4 years, I was engaged at age 25 and married at age 26. At age 29, we bought a house.
Fast forward to now. I’ve been in the workforce for 10 years, married for 5, and a homeowner for 3. I am just one step away from having it all, right? A job, a husband, a house. Check, check, check. All I need next is a kid. Bonus points for more than one.
This next step should be obvious. And the thing is, I thought it was obvious, too. Growing up, the idea of having children (after following all the aforementioned steps, of course) was a no-brainer. When I was younger I always said I wanted 4, like the Beckhams, lol. But when my husband and I got married, the reality of what it would mean to actually have kids — physically, emotionally, financially — set in and we began to have doubts about something we thought we were so sure about (more about that here).
While my husband and I have come to terms with this — this gray area of maybe — some like to remind me (and specifically, only me because of course, men don’t receive the same pressures as women do!) that I’m veering off course. That I am so close!!! So close to ticking all the boxes of this template we call life.
While I’ve done my best to be confident in my and my husband’s decision to wait, others have made it pretty hard. Most days (with the help of many sessions with a therapist), I don’t let those pressures get to me. But it hasn’t been until this past month in the UK and Europe that I’ve realized how much more free I feel from those pressures just by simply being here. I spend time with friends and witness the ease in which they live their lives without the stresses of hyper-focusing on the next milestone. It’s inspiring.
I’ve noticed how they talk about their futures. A couple based in London who have been dating for years and bought a home together didn’t talk about getting married or having children in the many days spent with them, but instead, talked about which countries they wanted to move to and experience next. One late night in Barcelona, a friend spoke earnestly about wanting to find love — not because he was concerned about next steps or settling down — but because he has so much love he’d like to share with someone romantically. Another friend in our group said she’d probably never get married, to which I asked if she ever felt pressure to from her family, and she looked at me with surprise and said, not at all. The others in the group agreed.
Just as friends in the UK and Europe seem to be less concerned with what’s next from a life and timeline perspective, I also see this from a material perspective, too.
In the states, there seems to be a fixation with more - more milestones to reach, but also more things to obtain. There is this ingrained idea that bigger is better. We see it all around us — the desire for bigger houses, bigger cars, bigger phones… you name it. And it’s hard not to fall into that mindset — the mindset that when you have more, when you have bigger, you are more — because people all around us have fallen into it, too. I remember when we bought our home, a house we immediately loved and were excited about, my mom assured us to not worry — that it’s a starter home and we’ll be able to get a bigger one later. But the thing is, we weren’t worried. And I often wonder why we need a bigger house when our current one provides us everything we need and more — enough space, a yard to enjoy the sun in, a nice neighborhood to walk in.
But here, there seems to be less of a fixation of bigger, of more. There seems to be more of a satisfaction of what’s enough. Many friends and family seem to be content with smaller cars and smaller homes, and with that, less things to fill that home.
I don’t know, I guess all of this has just made me think of this perpetual state of dissatisfaction I’ve often found myself in when at home in America, always thinking there’s another box I have to check or something bigger, better to obtain. When in reality, where I’m at and what I have has been and already is more than enough.
And I think what we are taught to focus on and how we are inclined to talk to one another keeps this obsession with what’s next going, which prevents us from living in the moment, always reaching for more even when what we have is plenty. Maybe it’s shifting from automatically asking things like: What do you do for work? How’s the job going? Are you getting more clients? When’s the wedding? Are you renting or buying? When do you want kids? Are you thinking about having another? and instead asking things like, as my dear and talented friend Grant suggests, How do you like to fill your time? What makes you laugh? What makes you feel alive? — all questions that focus on the things that really matter at the end of the day, and not questions that often serve as a subtle way for us to measure and compare our timelines with one another.
I want to be clear: I’m in no way saying that one path is better than the other — the traditional path or the unconventional one. I’m just saying that I think all of us could do with a lot less pressure, a lot less anxiety over socially-constructed timelines, a lot less concern of what other people are doing and what others think. And instead, we can do with a lot more following our own path, a lot more making our own choices, and a lot more getting to know ourselves and finding out what makes us truly happy, what truly makes up a full life, based on our unique wants and needs.
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I relate to this so much! As a single, childless, Southern woman, I'm lightyears behind my high school classmates in this made-up timeline. I'm thankful for a therapist that reminded me that "all this shit is made up!" I agree that this seems to be cultural -- as the desire to own a home began to creep up on me, I remembered how similar people I've met in Europe will most likely never own a home just for the freedom it gives them to live their lives. It's good to read that even if you've "checked the American boxes," true fulfillment isn't found there.
this took me back to the semester i studied abroad in sweden and felt so free from the pressures of the US. i always have so much respect for people who "break free of the timeline" in the US but this is a reminder that we can achieve that freedom too!