recently read: regretting motherhood
06: and my top ten favorite books I read this year
Knowing what book someone is reading and what parts they resonate with most can be so intimate. It reveals their interests, where their head is at, and what excerpts are so significant that they will mark up a page because they think it’s worth revisiting at a later time. Personally, I’m fascinated by what books others gravitate towards and I find that it helps me get to know them better and gives me a small glimpse into who they are at their core. No one asked for these book reviews, but maybe it’s my way of showing who I am and what I’m interested in – beyond the clothes, the products, and my career. Or at the very least, encourage some to look up from their phones and instead towards the pages of a good book.
Book no. 23 of 2022
Regretting Motherhood: A Study by Orna Donath
“I am not looking to glorify mothers’ regret. Nor am I looking to criticize women who want with all their heart to be mothers… I believe that options should be within reach of every woman to ensure that we are the owners of our bodies, lives, and decisions.”
When my friend recommended this book to me, my first reaction was fear. I was scared that it would make me not want to have children, which made me realize that’s exactly why I needed to read it in the first place. Why is it that the thought of not wanting to have kids scared me? Scares others? Even when I told my therapist that I was reading this book, she gave me a disapproving look. When I told Ben about it, he asked if I was going to read a book that’s pro-parenting. But the thing is, that’s the messaging we already get in life — that we should have kids. At least, that’s the messaging I get, especially from my parents now that I’m 5 years into marriage. There’s a reason that there was a stigma around me reading a book about regretting motherhood, but none if I said I wanted children. It’s ingrained in us.
I want to be clear: this book isn’t an attack on motherhood or the choice to have children. It’s a study of women who became mothers because of external pressures and learned it wasn’t right for them. No matter one’s stance on having children, this book is immensely important in the ways that it highlights those perspectives — ones that are necessary to hear but often ignored and actively dismissed. More than anything, it shows how this pressure on women to become mothers but to stay quiet about any negative feelings they have of motherhood is a way for society (read: men!) to avoid having to change the things that can actually help mothers. The takeaways from this book help all women - mothers and childless women alike. It’s a needed reminder that mothers are human with feelings and needs and desires and complexities and that motherhood isn’t just a role or profession for women to put their head down and get through without complaint — it’s a relationship and relationships are complex.
As someone who has been on the fence about having kids and who has been married for 5 years and now 31, I get the same exact comments this book speaks on, that many women who expresses doubts on becoming parents receive:
“You need to have kids — you’ll regret it if you don’t.”
“You’re overthinking it — you should just do it. Everyone does it.”
“You’ll grow into in naturally — it’s a woman’s instinct.”
Or my personal favorite from my very own dad: “That’s crazy. I feel bad for your husband.”
While commonly said, these comments don’t reflect reality. Some do regret motherhood. Not everyone wants to have children. Being a mother or a parent is simply not for everyone, no matter what society has made us believe.
This book was so validating — it reminded me that I’m not crazy or selfish or “overthinking” it. That it’s normal to have doubts about a life-changing decision, that it’s understandable to be curious about other paths in life and wonder where those various paths can take me. For so long I thought something was wrong with me because I didn’t have this urge to become a mother like others have. I never had baby fever. I thought I could never be a good mother if I didn’t want the typical portrayal of it — but this book made me see that there isn’t just one way to parent and it doesn’t always come “naturally.” And that the idea that motherhood comes naturally is a myth to keep women from questioning that path for them. Personally, this book actually helped me warm towards the idea of motherhood because it made me realize the various support systems that I do have that many of the women in this book unfortunately lacked.
I highly recommend to all — not just those who are unsure or don’t want to be mothers, but also those who want to become or are parents. It’s so valuable to know and consider different perspectives than the ones we’ve been fed all our lives and understand the unique difficulties of motherhood that is often not talked about. It’s helped me be more understanding and compassionate towards mothers, especially my own. For most of my life, I didn’t understand why she wasn’t like the moms depicted on TV or warm and open like my friends’ moms growing up. Now I see that there are different ways to be a mom and understand that there are so many pressures and sacrifices she had to go through — with no outlet to express when times got tough.
Favorite quotes from the book:
“What are the consequences of silencing regret over motherhood? Who pays the price when we try to pretend it does not exist?”
“Regret is used in a society that encourages and demands birth.”
“There’s a very strong dichotomy between the messages you get [about motherhood] from society and what you feel.”
“Women who regret becoming mothers largely remain unheard — as well as nonmothers who do not regret not having children — the assumption becomes that they do not in fact exist.”
“None of us will know a complete story of motherhood. Silencing women’s stories… serves to further those social arrangements that deny us the right to respond as we see fit, to be the owners of our own knowledge.”
“Studies prove that after [birth], fathers put in more overtime at work and look for new hobbies… mothers are usually the ones who report a feeling of infinite caregiving, with very limited possibilities to leave or take a break.”
“Is it possible that women are implored to forget — to detach themselves from what they know, think, and feel — because it allows society to continue to create injustices while simultaneously pretending that everything is all right?”
Other books I read this year that made me reflect on the idea of motherhood:
And because it’s the end of the year, below are my top 10 favorite books I read this year in order. I finished 31 books this year, but only have shared 23 of them so will be sure to share the reviews of those in the new year!
As always, thank you for reading x