recently read: regretting motherhood

06: and my top ten favorite books I read this year

Knowing what book someone is reading and what parts they resonate with most can be so intimate. It reveals their interests, where their head is at, and what excerpts are so significant that they will mark up a page because they think it’s worth revisiting at a later time. Personally, I’m fascinated by what books others gravitate towards and I find that it helps me get to know them better and gives me a small glimpse into who they are at their core. No one asked for these book reviews, but maybe it’s my way of showing who I am and what I’m interested in – beyond the clothes, the products, and my career. Or at the very least, encourage some to look up from their phones and instead towards the pages of a good book. 

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Book no. 23 of 2022

Regretting Motherhood: A Study by Orna Donath

“I am not looking to glorify mothers’ regret. Nor am I looking to criticize women who want with all their heart to be mothers… I believe that options should be within reach of every woman to ensure that we are the owners of our bodies, lives, and decisions.”

When my friend recommended this book to me, my first reaction was fear. I was scared that it would make me not want to have children, which made me realize that’s exactly why I needed to read it in the first place. Why is it that the thought of not wanting to have kids scared me? Scares others? Even when I told my therapist that I was reading this book, she gave me a disapproving look. When I told Ben about it, he asked if I was going to read a book that’s pro-parenting. But the thing is, that’s the messaging we already get in life — that we should have kids. At least, that’s the messaging I get, especially from my parents now that I’m 5 years into marriage. There’s a reason that there was a stigma around me reading a book about regretting motherhood, but none if I said I wanted children. It’s ingrained in us.

I want to be clear: this book isn’t an attack on motherhood or the choice to have children. It’s a study of women who became mothers because of external pressures and learned it wasn’t right for them. No matter one’s stance on having children, this book is immensely important in the ways that it highlights those perspectives — ones that are necessary to hear but often ignored and actively dismissed. More than anything, it shows how this pressure on women to become mothers but to stay quiet about any negative feelings they have of motherhood is a way for society (read: men!) to avoid having to change the things that can actually help mothers. The takeaways from this book help all women - mothers and childless women alike. It’s a needed reminder that mothers are human with feelings and needs and desires and complexities and that motherhood isn’t just a role or profession for women to put their head down and get through without complaint — it’s a relationship and relationships are complex.