no one asked: leaving Twitter, side projects, and the trousers I added to cart
11: what i'm unfollowing, buying, and saying yes to...
Not spending my money on…
Car payments on another luxury car and an expensive gym membership. I’ve talked about lifestyle creep before and how we tend to spend more as we make more. I definitely saw myself “upgrading” aspects of my life when my income increased —fancier car, high end gym, new designer bags. Not only have I revisited my spending habits because I’m working less (read: making less), but because I realized I simply didn’t need those things.
My 12-year-old MINI Cooper recently reached its end and before then, we were making repairs to it that weren’t cheap. At the same time, we were dealing with home repairs and replacing tires and break pads on our newer car, a luxury model we leased after our last car broke down, which were far pricier than parts for other cars. When it was time to replace the MINI, some encouraged me to look into another luxury car or Tesla or even another MINI, but we went with one that was more economical — one that was known to be reliable, good on gas, less expensive to fix, and would last many, many years.
At the end of last year, I also discontinued my expensive gym membership. I realized that I could work out just as well going to the chain gym that my husband goes to. I’m so glad I’ve “downgraded” in both of those aspects of my life — especially since unforeseen expenses have come up with the LA rain causing damage to our home. It also makes me feel less guilty about spending money when planning my upcoming summer trip — something I’d rather save my money for.
Saying yes to…
Being more intentional with gatherings. I’d like to think I’m already pretty thoughtful when planning get-togethers, especially when it comes to book exchanges, but after starting The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker (which was sent to me anonymously as a gift by the way… Reveal yourself whoever sent it!) I’ve learned that there are small changes I can make that can make gatherings even more intimate and foster stronger connection. The author talks about how we shouldn’t feel guilty being picky when curating a guest list (more about thoughtful exclusion here) and if we’re hosting, why we need to lean into being more authoritative.
I recently talked about how I felt a bit unsure of myself during the book exchange in New York, and I realized it was because I didn’t step into my role as host enough. Priya talks about our tendency to want to be a “chill” host, one that is lenient when it comes to structure, and I think that was my mistake. In attempting to be too much of a participant in the gathering I had invited my friends to, I didn’t guide it as best I could as a host that would have been for the benefit of those attending.
Buying…
Those trousers I am *always* wearing… but in another color. I kid you not, I probably wear these pants five times a week… If not seven. And now, I’m finally attempting at switching things up by getting the exact same ones! This time, in a cream color, which reminds me of a $920 pair by The Row.
I had originally purchased it from another website but realized that it was on sale at SSENSE and available in all sizes from XXS to XL. They also are on sale in Navy, Tan Satin and Black Satin if you’re like me and tend to purchase more of the pieces you *know* you love.
Listening to…
Building a lifestyle business with Puno, founder of ilovecreatives on How to be a Woman on the Internet. She talks about the benefits of slow growth, the importance of side projects and why she’s sick of people shitting on 9-to-5s. There’s also some bonus content for paid subscribers where her and I talk about how we choose what to share about ourselves online and why freelance (and content creation) isn’t for everyone.
On 9-to-5s, she says: They shit on nine to fives, shit on employers, shit on corporations, shit shit shit on working and jobs. They overgeneralize on things like freelancing, or being your own boss - and all of that is just going to make you happier. And I feel like all of that stuff is just so frustrating for me because it's making people feel helpless…
In a piece called The glamorization of the workplace, I had a similar take. While I am a freelancer and do love it, I recognize that freelancing in itself is not what makes me fulfilled or happy — that that needs to come from outside of my job.
In another piece The dream job is a lie, I go on to say that whether your job is freelancing or with a large corporation, what matters is if your needs are being met — if the job is able to provide you with decent pay, a positive work environment, and allows for a healthy work life balance… and time for side projects :)
In the interview, Puno says about side projects: There's always been something fruitful that has come out of side projects. The worst thing that could come out of it is that you now know you don't ever want to do that again. That's great. That's huge. That is direction.
As someone who LOVES a side project (this newsletter, that newsletter, Seen Library, just to name a few…), I agree with this wholeheartedly.
Unfollowing…
Everyone on Twitter. Well, not literally, but I did deactivate my account again. I used to enjoy Twitter so much — it used to be so funny, so informative. Now, I just see a ton of tweets from people I don’t follow about topics I don’t care about. It sounds weird, but I felt like I couldn’t get off of Twitter because I’ve been using it for years and was a digital space I loved spending time on. But I need to take my own advice and ask myself if the positive outweighs the negative on that platform, and the answer is definitely no.
Tumblr, on the other hand, is still a yes for me. Pinterest… a maybe. I feel like everything cool I see on Tumblr and Instagram is what I see on Pinterest months later.
Connecting with…
Jason of Burnt Sienna Research Society. We met at the Seen Library bookstand at Platform (which he so kindly talked about here!), where he came up and said hello and introduced himself. He was so complimentary about what I was doing, which was so heartfelt and encouraging. We recently connected again over Kumquat Coffee — they have some of my favorite iced tea lattes — and it was so refreshing to chat with him. Honestly, everything he said was just so insightful and rich and I wish I could have written it all down. While I am keeping most of it to myself and for the betterment of Seen Library, I will share this.
He said: You don’t get courage before you do the thing. You get courage after you do it and even more by learning what you’d continue and what you’d do different.
He also reminded me: You’re allowed to be the expert on your own preferences. Lean into what you’re naturally interested in and not what you aspire to.
I needed to hear that. For the first pop up, I included some books that I didn’t know much about, in order to fill in the blanks of some perspectives I felt was missing. For the last one, I leaned into the the titles I’ve read and loved, and ones I haven’t read but were deeply interested in. Doing that made me feel much better about people going home with books I knew I could confidently recommend. And hearing Jason say that validated that decision.
If you’re interested in art books, I suggest you go to his gathering today at Arlington Gardens in Pasadena from 10am to 12pm, where people can come together to engage with art books and one another.
TikTok I’m saving…
This one by Summer Fox about “lucky people” and about how putting yourself out there increases your chances of being “lucky” and that it’s hard to be “lucky” if you’re not taking that first step and inserting yourselves in new situations.
There are plenty of times I’ve been told I’ve been lucky. And honestly, for most of my life I did see myself as lucky, often not giving myself enough credit for taking chances.
You’re so lucky you found your husband. Is it luck or did I go out night after night, willing myself to be open to meeting new people? Is it luck or did I kiss *a lot* of frogs before finding someone I really liked? Is it luck or did I give our situationship time , even though we are told that chemistry should be instantaneous and *when you know, you know*?
You’re so lucky you have a great community of people. Is it luck or do I choose to be vulnerable and reach out to people I want to get to know better? Is it luck or am I willing to grow out of old relationships that make room for new ones that may be more aligned or more meaningful? Is it luck or do I make sure to foster the relationships with those I value by making real effort to spend time with them?
You’re so lucky to have this job. Is it luck or was I willing to take a chance in 2013 on a new industry called social media and influencer marketing, that not many knew about or believed in, and leave behind my plan of going into fashion PR? Is it luck or did I risk quitting jobs that didn’t serve me to find ones better suited for me?
And look, I know there many parts of my life that are incredibly lucky — like where I was born, that I had parents who supported me through college, that I’m able-bodied and neurotypical, to name a few. But I think we forget that sometimes luck is more than the cards we’re dealt with and about taking that first step… and that second and that third.
Summer goes on to talk about how often people see the end product, and not the journey it took to get there and how “lucky” people understand the risk of putting themselves in challenging moments that don’t feel so lucky. Examples of these “unlucky” moments for me: spending time with not so great guys before I met my husband, developing toxic friendships that I eventually had to end, and working for companies with unhealthy work environments.
Thinking a lot about…
The next Seen Library thing… The most asked question at the bookstand was, when’s the next one? And to that I replied, I have no idea.
To be honest, I told myself I wouldn’t do anything in June. That I was stretching myself too thin and that I needed a break. But that feeling changed after the bookstand. Everyone who showed up that weekend was so encouraging and energizing and it made me excited to plan the next thing… I just don’t know what it is yet.
I am speaking with a friend about doing a fun, more experiential book giving, but I’m not sure if we’ll be able to pull it off for next month. TBD!
I’ll be in London and Paris this summer and would love to host smaller book exchanges there, but need to figure out where. If you have any ideas, please let me know :)
If I can’t do anything more formal this June, I’d love for some of us to get together and at least do something more low-lift, like volunteer together on June 10 at Reading to Kids. If you have any interest, send @seenlibrary a DM on Instagram!
I’ll keep thinking on it and will let you know…
Article I’m sharing…
The Cost of White Discomfort by Brittany Packnett Cunningham, where she talks about Jordan Neely, a young Black man who was murdered by a white former Marine, Daniel Penny. Because she can articulate the gravity of what took place much better than I can, I wanted to share some moving excerpts below.
She says: We know that white perpetrators are celebrated and Black victims are vilified. The immediate aftermath of Jordan’s murder was no different: A police officer mayor and a white governor asked us to withhold judgment until an investigation was complete, mainstream news outlets protected Penny’s identity for lack of any criminal charges, and racist rags celebrated him as a heroic “vigilante.” But words matter: Vigilantes respond to crimes. So what precise atrocity did Jordan commit, to be sentenced with capital punishment by a judge and jury of one?
He was discomforting. To a train full of people who would rather look away, in a city whose leaders already did, Jordan’s justifiably distressed expression of his hunger and thirst was not heard as a plea for help. It was seen as an attack on white comfort.
She continues: White supremacy gleefully uses violence as both a cudgel and a cautionary tale. Its true patriots get their hands dirty, meting out violence with the blessing of those with more sensitive stomachs. While Jordan’s life was stolen, his killer is celebrated by those who appreciate his willingness to protect their collective comfort. In their calculus, Jordan’s life was an acceptable sacrifice, and they are leveraging the public spectacle of his murder — like the lynchings of the Jim Crow era or the killings of Michael Brown, Ahmaud Arbery, and Breonna Taylor before him — to warn others who might unwisely step out of line.
She ends with this about raising her son: I’m raising him with the intention to live without apology, and he will, without any doubt, disrupt the comfort of white supremacy by simply existing proudly in a Black body. But instead of prepare him to deal with the consequences, I’d rather help shift the world in which he’ll enter. I don’t want to teach him the rules. I want us to change the game. This country hasn’t given me much optimism that it will do so in his lifetime, but it remains all of our responsibility to try.
Hi Jordan! For the Vince crepe bias pants, I'm between sizes. Wondering if you felt like the waistband has gotten looser with time or if it holds up shape relatively well?