the opportunities and limitations of online connection
a piece for how to be a woman on the internet
I find myself in another period of resenting social media lately, opting out of in-feed posting, letting my inbox go unanswered, and feeling uninspired with writing new pieces for No One Asked. Maybe it’s because instead of doing those things, I’ve been spending my time doing other things - ones that feel a bit more satisfying at the moment. Things like taking a pottery class with my family, working on pieces for How to be a Woman on the Internet, meeting and going on coffee dates (both virtually and IRL) with incredible people, planning some things for Seen Library, volunteering to read to kids, and connecting with new people at a very cool, fun reading that my friend Halleta recently hosted.
As I struggle with being on social media at the moment, I think about the ways that the things I’ve recently been up to has largely happened because of social media. I found that pottery class via Instagram. I’m able to share the pieces I work with others on through various platforms. New opportunities have come forth for Seen Library because others have discovered it online. The people I’ve been able to connect with in real life are ones I’ve communicated with via DM for quite some time. Halleta was able to bring together a large group of people craving community and writing because she shared it to her profile. I was able to gauge interest for the next volunteer outing through my stories.
I have to remember that while I may be sick of social media in many ways, there’s a lot of good to come from it — as long as I use it solely as a tool, as a vehicle, instead of the main event where I spend most of my time and energy.
If you’re feeling similarly, maybe my piece on online connection for How to be a Woman on the Internet will resonate with you. Below, you’ll find a few excerpts:
The more people use social media, the more lonely they feel. Millennials in the US were also found to spend more time on their digital devices and less time socializing in-person with their friends.
Research shows that face-to-face interaction is necessary for truly authentic relationships – chatting behind a screen doesn’t replace the connection that happens when people laugh, cry, and share intimate moments with one another. But not every friendship taken offline is guaranteed to be a match. In my decade of online-friend-making I’ve had plenty of friendships form and dissolve. I’ve had to “date” a lot to find friends who stand the test of time.
I thought about the ways social media may be taking away from my closest relationships. If seemingly insignificant acts like liking, commenting and messaging with hundreds of online friends results in less time and energy for those closest to me, then it’s worth taking the time to reflect on how that’s affecting my relationships with friends and family, rather than using that energy to send messages to online friends. There are many ways social media minimized what could have been beautiful moments with my loved ones: my mom posting to Facebook instead of soaking in the views of the English countryside as we traveled together, a friend editing photos while the rest of the group is engrossed in intimate conversation, me taking photos of the moment instead of living in it next to my husband. I now try to make an effort to put my phone away not only when around people but also when I’m alone, too.
Not only is staring into a screen taking away from the moments we spend with our friends, it’s also affecting how we interact with them. Author Issy Beech talks about this in her book: “[Social media] is changing our ability to process emotions. Many studies have shown that lack of face-to-face interaction, replaced instead with an increase in screen time, can lead to poorer social skills and a stunted emotional capacity.” I’ve seen this firsthand – there have been people I spoke to online who I was excited to meet because they seemed charismatic, thoughtful, and interesting from their social media presence. After trying to have conversations with them in person, though, I realized what I expected from them may not be who they are in real life, but instead part of their online persona.
So many conversations around social media remain either/or. But from my position at least, this is very much both/and territory. Social media is both a tool for connection and, also, a fast-track to disconnection. You can make friends online, and you can lose them. Figuring out how to have more of the former and less of the latter is the hard part. But one thing I can tell you for sure, is that the key to any online friendship is taking it offline and giving it the time and energy that every meaningful relationship deserves… It’s up to us to do the job that social media will not do – to get offline and really connect, truly build community, and bring the people in our worlds closer together. Before I log off, I want to share how I’ve done it and how I hope to do it a bit better:
When hanging out with people, put my phone away or face down on the table. Set boundaries when I do use my phone – turn off all notifications, switch my phone to do not disturb, allow myself to take photos but post later on when I’m alone so that it doesn’t cut into time with loved ones.
Check in with myself and reflect on the long-term relationships that I want to nurture and the newer ones I have been grateful for. For the long-term ones, I make note to spend quality time with them and not let too much time pass before seeing or calling them. For the new (and old) ones, I approach with intention and reach out with plans that I think we’d both enjoy: suggesting a new restaurant, hanging out somewhere quiet like a park or coffee shop to get to know each other better, inviting them to a book exchange, etc.
Pay attention to which friends I’ve really enjoyed spending time with and the reasons why, along with the ones I didn’t feel I connected with. Did we talk about things other than work? Did we have a good conversation that flowed easily? Did we walk away both feeling enriched rather than drained? Would I gladly hang out with them again?
Take notice of who I follow – old and new – whose social media activity leaves me feeling negatively. Do they go on rants that are draining? Do they post images that make me feel insecure or self-conscious? Is their online presence different from their offline one and makes me question them more than I’d like? Issey Beech recommends: “Normalize muting people you love… Sometimes the people we love post things that make us uncomfortable or angry, and sometimes the people we love take up more space in our online worlds than we’d like.” For me, I’d rather mute someone I love so I can have a healthier relationship with them if I notice what they share turns me into a person I like less – one that shit talks or obsesses over myself in the mirror. I went so far as to delete my Facebook during the 2020 election so I can have healthier relationships with my family members.
Consider who would benefit from seeing me less online. My mom and I have a much better relationship ever since I blocked her from my Instagram and I deleted my Facebook. I’ve also been more friendly with the block button in general. Before, I used to give internet trolls my time, which took away from spending time with my husband or friends. Now, I block them because I know if I start an interaction, I won’t be able to stop. It’s much more considerate for not only me, but them, too.
Be aware of when an argument on social media forms. Take a step back and consider if it is productive to have a conversation over direct messages or if words and tone will be taken out of context.
Give hugs, often. Dunbar notes, “We underestimate how important touch is in the social world. In recent years, Dunbar has researched the importance of touch and how they… lead to bonding and friendship.” Nothing online can replace the small gestures between friends – a light squeeze on the shoulder, linking arms on the way to dinner, a playful shove when joking around.
Think deeply about what it is I’m searching for on Instagram. If I want connection and community, then I need to figure out how to use the app to do just that. I started to do in-person book exchanges with old friends and people I wanted to get to know better, and from there, I started @seenlibrary as a way to be more intentional with it. Through that community, I’ve continued the book exchanges and hosted book drives with friends I’ve known for years and friends I’ve met online. If I want inspiration, I think of how I can get that from outside my phone – can I read a book, go to a new exhibit, watch a movie, and if I want company, can I do those with a friend?
Read the whole piece on How to be a Woman on the Internet and subscribe for more here.