no one asked: borrowing vs. buying, insecurities and having good taste
22: what i'm not spending my money on, what i'm thinking about and what i'm reading...
Reading…
What Strange Paradise by Omar El Akkad, a fiction my husband and I are both reading and one I learned about from discovering it at Book Alley in Pasadena, one of my favorite used bookstores.
It’s an intimate look into the refugee crisis through the eyes of two children, which feels relevant more than ever as politicians discuss border policy and promise to make the laws around it more restrictive. The story begins with a Syrian boy washing up on the shore of an island, along with many other passengers — from Egypt, Palestine, and Ethiopia — and takes us on a journey of friendship, survival and hope.
As I researched more about Egyptian-Canadian author Omar El Akkad, I saw that he is currently working on a new book that sounds equally interesting: One Day, Everyone Will Have Always Been Against This, a nonfiction detailing his disillusionment of living in a Western country like the US.
Re-wearing…
This sheer skirt I recently posted on Instagram, that I wear consistently each summer (both in white and black) ever since I got it 4 years ago. Each summer, we are encouraged to shop for a new wardrobe and each summer, I instead try my best to wear what’s already in my closet and reach for the pieces I already know I love.
I recently wore this skirt here in Palm Springs, but also a couple months ago in the Philippines, on my 30th birthday in Amangiri, one summer in Puglia, a long weekend trip to Tulum, a Covid-era staycation in Palm Springs, on a photo shoot, and when I first received it in 2020, just to name a few.
It’s a piece I never get sick of and is timeless enough to be worn no matter the year or whether sheer is “in” or not. Unfortunately, it is sold out as it’s from a small business that produced it years ago, but I found some styles that might create a similar look:
the exact style in black (that’s on sale for $99), vintage slip skirt from Depop ($15), 1930s silk bloomers that provide a different spin ($64), silk skirt from L’Academie ($178), knit skirt from Mango ($30).
Eating…
Birria and pastor tacos from Taqueria Frontera in Cypress Park, the first location in LA from a legendary taqueria chain in Tijuana. A friend of mine helped them find their newest storefront and suggested we go. It’s incredible.
Buying…
The Take Back Bag from Trashie. My friend told me about this a couple years ago when she was trying to get rid of clothes, but what I use it for most is the stuff I can’t sell or donate, like old underwear, stained towels, ripped pillowcases, etc. In 2023, they diverted 6.6 million items from landfills and found new homes for the pieces sent to them, whether they’ll be reworn or recycled into something new.
For the clothing and accessories that I think can get a second life, I always offer to friends and family first and then sell the rest to places like Crossroads and Wasteland.
Saying yes to…
Borrowing instead of buying. There was a Washington Post article that came out earlier this month about how to create close, family-level friendships and asking for small favors was one of the tips. For me, asking to borrow is an easy small favor to request.
In a time when it’s so convenient to just buy a cheap item on Amazon with next-day delivery, asking to borrow something can feel like such a burden. But as someone who is constantly de-cluttering, I see how much shit I own builds up — whether it’s clothes, reusable water bottles or some other random appliance — and how much money I’ve thrown away on things I’ve only used once.
This is a good list of the 15 things you should borrow instead of buy, but I’m including some personal ones below in hopes that it’ll help you think about the items in your own life that you can lend or borrow.
Clothing for special occasions — A friend recently asked where I bought this dress I wore for a wedding. Instead of sending her the link, I told her she can just borrow it. I am notorious for begging my friends to borrow my clothes — whether it’s a dress for an upcoming event, a cover up for a sunny weekend away, or a coat for a winter vacation. Many of these pieces just sit in my closet and I’d rather have my friends save money and make use of what I have than spend when they don’t need to. I just ask that when they return it, they make sure it’s clean!
Party decor — I am lucky to have a backyard that’s great for hosting and while it may make sense for me to just buy my own things, I instead ask friends and family if I can borrow theirs. I know that for most of the year, those items are collecting dust in their garages and I’d rather use what they already have than spend money and take up more of my storage space. One of my friends owns fold out tables, folding chairs and tablecloths and for the past few parties I’ve hosted, I’ve been able to borrow them from her. A cousin of mine recently got married and bought tons of bud vases for her wedding, which I now use for my own flower arrangements. Years ago, my mom hosted a bridal shower for me and bought a plethora of different platters and cake stands, which has now been in rotation between my aunts and cousins whenever one of us has an event.
Suitcases — While I have my own go-to carry-on and large check-in, I often borrow my mom’s medium-sized suitcase when I have a trip that calls for something in between. I also lend my suitcases to family who don’t travel as much and don’t necessarily need to have their own.
Random appliances — Just last week I asked my neighbor if I can borrow her iron (I pretty much only use my steamer to de-wrinkle) to stick on a phrase on an old tank top for the Olivia Rodrigo concert. My husband has asked our other neighbor to borrow his ladder to clean out our gutter.
Fruit — That same neighbor has a beautiful lemon tree and rather than buying lemons from the market, we try to remember to ask if they have any lemons they can spare. :)
If you feel a bit awkward asking to borrow something, read some of these tips that might make it feel more doable. Trust me — it’s worth the money (and energy shopping) saved.
Thinking a lot about…
The ways insecurity and obsession with appearance is not only harmful for the person feeling that way, but also the people around them. I found a TikTok from a creator who was able to articulate the thoughts I’ve had for a while now.
Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browser
She says: They’re incredibly self-centered… Because they cannot focus on anything other than “does my waist look small? Does my face look defined?”… I was always convincing myself “I’m so hot, I’m so sexy, I’m so this, I’m so that” and it entirely removed the beauty of my personality, the beauty of my friendships, the love I had to offer to this world… When I was centering all my energy on being skinny and hot, I was making my friends insecure, I was making my mom insecure, I was making random people on the internet feel bad… because I would say things that seemed harmless to me but were not harmless to the general public.
It made me think about the ways I saw this type of behavior in my own friendships. How years ago, a friend who heavily used FaceTune not only edited themself, but edited another friend’s nose smaller, making her feel insecure about her natural features for the first time. How a family member who had disordered eating made comments about how much rice I and another cousin had on our plate at family parties, making us think twice about our food intake. How a friend made snarky remarks about what strangers in a bar were wearing, only for me to later find out it was because making those mean comments made her feel superior. How exhausting it is to have to reassure someone about their appearance, when discussing weight and looks is the last thing you want to talk about, especially when you yourself may have your own issues on the subject.
Restacking…
Subconsciously, we become conditioned to want to be told what to like rather than putting in the work to decide for ourselves…
Developing ‘good’ taste takes courage — but also trial and error. We have to put ourselves through a type of rejection therapy in being willing to be wrong (and have bad taste, and look stupid) in order for us to cultivate what we actually like.
on rich white girls writing poverty porn by
cigarette smoke and pastel colored bedrooms. mascara running down perfectly symmetrical white faces. tortured women in tiny thongs and mussed hair. we know the signs before we can pin down the story; the sexy, poor, sad white girl has been a staple of our lives since we’ve been consuming art.
entry points by
We live in a society that shows us many paths to status but very few to meaning…
We are taught to aspire to prestige, taught to fetishize the idea of the thing instead of enjoying the thing itself…
I want to write every day and read books and to be in love and live near all my friends and work on what I know to be true and good. For me, that’s salvation—that’s ambition.