no one asked: recent vintage buys, people from my past and the let them theory
18: what i'm adding to my wish list, the substacks i'm reading and the dress i'm rewearing
Adding to wish list…
Pieces that all happen to be secondhand. I recently purchased this butter yellow vintage Miu Miu bag ($150), the brown suede Prada loafers ($145) pictured below and these black satin pointy toe mules from Balenciaga ($287) — another pair here for less — so I’ve been on a good run. Here are some of the things I have saved, but haven’t added to cart:
This shrunken 100% cashmere cardigan from Vince ($81). These tan trousers ($122), black trousers ($51) and pointy toe mules ($175) from Prada. This strapless dress from Paris Georgia ($249). This cream long sleeve top from Khaite ($135). And a cream turtleneck from The Row ($195).
Re-wearing…
All of these outfits, but lately, this dress below from Realisation Par. I’ve worn it 5x since I’ve gotten it — to my cousin’s bridal shower, to a beauty event, dinner at Bird Street, a staycation in Hollywood and another dinner at a friend’s new home.
Here are secondhand options that may give off the same vibe: this pretty vintage Jean Paul Gaultier dress ($180), a green polka dot dress from Rouje ($90), and these from the same brand — simple black mini ($92), silk black mini dress ($125), stunning black dress ($190), red polka dot mini ($150), sheer velvety black dress ($120), floral silk midi dress ($156), neutral floral dress that I also bought secondhand ($175).
More pieces I’m outfit repeating here.
Working on…
applying the let them theory to my life. For too long, I thought if I tried hard enough or explained something extensively enough, it would result in the outcomes that I wanted (I’m a reformed control freak — can you tell?!). After putting so much time and energy in trying to dictate other people’s decisions or actions with the best intentions, I’ve learned — after many failed attempts — that the only thing I can control is my response to whatever people choose to do.
Instead of giving my best friend a list of all the reasons she should break up with her shitty boyfriend, I simply let her know that I will be there for her no matter what she decided to do. While it took longer than I had hoped, she eventually left the relationship on her own time and she knew I would be by her side when that time came. Instead of fighting with my parents on who they should or shouldn’t vote for, I share what issues are important to me in a calm, collected way (this is new for me…) while spending time with them, hopefully shedding light on something they hadn’t considered before. Instead of sending a lengthy text to someone who’s hurt me, I now think about what would actually give me the most peace and take that route, even if I don’t get my point across in the end.
Therapist Jennifer Chappell Marsh says, “It’s about understanding where our influence ends and accepting that some things are beyond our control. We can’t control others, so instead, we should focus on our own actions and responses.”
Connecting with….
People from my past. In the past 6 months, I’ve re-connected with two friends from high school and in general, have been spending more time with family and friends who have known me since my teenage years. I’ve also gone back to my old high school, doing a book exchange with their seniors and a book drive to collect books for their library. And I think all of these things are related somehow.
Ever since moving from home after graduating high school, I tried to distance myself from it as much as I could. But in recent years, I’ve realized how incredible it is to know someone through their different stages of life and still love them throughout all their changes and transformations and also just how much the places we come from inform where and who we are today.
Recently on a phone call, my dad and I were talking about the different people I’m fortunate to meet and befriend through my world and work and he said while that’s fine and good, at the end of the day, I need to remember who it is who would actually show up to my funeral. Like many others in their 20s and 30s, I’ve accumulated my fair share of fair weather friends — those I share good times with, but not so much the bad or the challenging. I’m taking stock of that now and it feels really good to be more intentional with who I spend my time with.
Reading…
Giovanni’s Room by James Baldwin, Minor Detail by Adania Shibli (which I shared with those who donated in the last book drive!) and Cairo Circles by Doma Mahmoud are three books I recently finished. You can see more of what I’ve recently read here, which I’m very behind on…
I’m currently reading The Three-Body Problem by Cixin Liu, highly recommended and gifted to me by a good friend. I’m trying to get into it, but the science speak is going way over my head.
Watching…
More Feelings by Ramy Youssef. I’ve been a longtime fan of Ramy — his show on Hulu, his acting in Poor Things and his directing on The Bear. My closest friends know how much I dislike most comedy — stand up especially — but he’s an exception. I’ve even bought tickets to his show in LA! I think he does a great job of speaking to important topics with humor in a way that’s laidback and warm rather than silly or over-the-top.
Substacks I’m sharing…
we should bring back dance floor make outs by
— she says:what i’ve noticed when i tell people to just “go on the date!” phrases from tik tok are brought in such as “if he wanted to he would”, “getting the ick”, and general red-flag culture have seeped from our screens into our vernacular and has had a tangible impact on who and how we date. while i do think it is vital to analyze behavioral patterns and how someone makes you feel once you have spent an ample amount of real time with them, i think do we are too quick to judge right off the bat from nothing other than digital interactions. you can never truly know someone by the way they text or their instagram presence !!!!!!!! while the intention of not wasting time on a bad first date is completely reasonable, we instead often waste more time creating red flags that might not actually exist OR we get our hopes up too high and invest a disproportional amount of attention on a connection that will only ever exist in the florescent light of your phone…
our phones have slowly enabled us to put up cushy padded walls up under the guise of self-help and betterment when in reality what we should be prioritizing is learning more about ourselves through soaking up experiences that span from uncomfortable to euphorically buoyant, and none of that will happen if we do not live a life offline.
My Immigrant Parents Don't Understand Me -- But Did I Try to Understand Them? by
I knew being an immigrant was hard, that it required a density of spirit, but I never thought of what came before that density. What dream filled that space before. That spurring, wild thing that existed inside of them that asked to leave everything. Not just the desire to leave for a better life, but the idea that for your whole life you have exuded the qualities of someone who will outgrow their surroundings. How your life was always amounting to this.
I gawked at them. They were so cool and they were mine…
What puzzles me the most about brands that say they are prioritizing community is that most of them stick pretty strictly only to those “community” efforts that directly covert into sales... Why would they try doing anything remotely creative and different if they can’t be sure of the results it could drive yet?